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Volatile !

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I don’t know what is with me these days . So many emotions, so many thinking , so many experiences. But although I still feel safe with familiar faces even if I don’t know them. I haven’t cry since a long time , because I hate crying and finding no shoulder to cry on. That’s why I promised my self not to see any thing but happiness and goodness in people. To be honest , I love the crazy life am living in today more than all the years I went through. Yet , I feel something different , I am noticing , am feeling , am breathing it just different. I was used not to sense, now I feel more as a human.
The word” feel “deserves to stop at. I used to smile , laugh but with tears in my heart. I used to feel sad but with no tears in my eyes. I used to try to help out and I always complemented my self to keep on doing the best I can not to feel sad I couldn’t alter the world around me, that at least I made a difference !. Now, I am sensing like I never did , the weather , the smiles, the sad faces , the sad words. Any thing that I notice hits a cord in me like it never used to.
I know am alive today more than ever it’s overwhelming. My heart beats are trying to catch up with the rhythm, no breathing, fast beats that never ends every day from the sunrise to the sunset .I come back to bed feeling tired, replying the amazing moments I had and feeling sad that today has ended.
I have to admit, it’s a huge change, exhausting yet overwhelming. I am enjoying it , although I hate being tired but I just like the chaos am living in ,it so incredible that I was able to give up my territory of organized and planned by ruler life. I am just enjoying it with the fast heart beats, with the million smiles every step on the road to school, with the students coming from school on Fridays, with the kids playing in the park next to where I live ,till the sea behind my room .The city lights in night , the music every where .
I saw this in my dream, and its amazing how much my reality is much more incredible than my dream!.

The Other!!

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I was born in a family were always the parents had the full authority to enforce laws that will organize our life. This came in my opinion from two facts, we are a huge family 10 kids were 6 of them are guys and my father has served in the military for a while. So in order to be able to manage, solid order should be enforced .I do understand that the origins of there problem handling way that to some extent assemble the military style was because they loved and cared about us. And till today am so grateful I been through such life because it opened my eyes on understanding others and appreciating their efforts. As a result from the creepy style they had in raising us I learned to listen , understand and embrace the others. To express my self, emm not so much but I preferred to listen and embrace the ideas. The same story was in school and almost in all of my years in university. This was a culture, that elder and experienced people knew what better for us. Some parents over here ( Middle East) even choose who their son or daughter will marry to. I know they are concerned but where do the part when our voice will be heard come ?. The past couple of months were invaluable to me. I experienced a new way of thinking. To think critically, be able to decide based on facts on which side of the river I will be.
I was more able to understand our human nature that tends to prejudge even on a hunch. I did learn to see from the others eyes, and feel how they feel. Imagine, put my self in their shoes and feel the situation. This kind of thinking is interesting, because we start to question what we received as an inevitable truth. We start to understand what “think” means. We start asking our selves questions that goes on in order to find a suitable answer. And for the first time to expose ourselves to failures and mistakes and unpredictable emotions we been hiding from in a little world we called me. So as much as this was a grace for me that I definitely know it benefits are beyond my imagination. I suddenly realized the other side of it. Those who tend to think they know every thing, and are possessed with the thought that they are right. I learned to accept those people too, because it is a part of our human nature we can’t ignore. And no matter how hard sometimes we try to explain and persuade others that we might have grown enough to decide on our own and face the consequences it is too hard to be able to change their minds.
Eventually I learnt to respect their views, but to be honest when it comes to my dreams am going to decide where is my next destination not them. The thing is their views could be valuable, but when it stands in the way of dreams and achievements, this is when it become worthless.

© Princess of Rain 2010

Dreams!

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I just promised my self that am no longer going to write about sorrow. It is me who determines my future. Not the tears of the people I love who thinks they know what best for me. Or even the resistance from almost every one in the world. All I know is one truth. “Dreams doesn’t choose us, we choose them”. And as long as we are living , dreams are the engine that keep us moving toward more unpredictable and promising achievements.
Sometimes, we find out how lucky and gifted we are. Just considering what I been through, and how I were able to learn from it and grow makes me so grateful. Troubles are just a part of life, just as laughs and tears. When I think back of obstacles I overcame moments where I was so mad at my life. I found out that the only way to let go was to forgive, and sometimes forget. One of the lessons I learnt was that we need to remember that we are not living in this life forever. We will have a life afterwards that will be based on our deeds in this life we are living in now.
There are times when I wondered or even tried to imagine how I would react if I was born in a different situation, like a country in war or even in an environment full of drugs and troubles. That is when I always realize how much fortunate I am just to have the life I lived in. Teachers in school that been and always are a great inspiration for me when I had trouble in home. People out there who believed in me , when I lost believing in my self. People who helped me understand that this life is full of goodness as badness, so we need to celebrate the goodness and stay away from the badness. Because one day Allah will reward us on our deeds. I won’t be able to count all the people I met or knew that had a touch on my life. But I am grateful, and I will always try to remember what they did, and also to inspire young generations like me to be strong and to know how to leave their finger prints in a better world they will create.


© Princess of Rain 2010