I believe I can fly !

Time to start painting!

I been slacking for a while right now . I don't know why , but I guess I was looking for inspiration.

When I hold the brush , and don't achieve a breath taking art , it disappoints me . Not because I don't have the talent because I know I do have it. It is because I feel I can do much better . I know I can !

So no more excuses . I will start drawing today and see where am going to end :).

I have always dreamt of making my own gallery one day , and nowadays I feel am too close :).

So I better buckle up and start !

I promised myself that am going to make a breath taking art this year !!

This year and every year a head is going to be the best in my life InshAllah.

So this is how am going to start !

First the concept . The ideas then the drawing :)

I intend to draw my dreams :D . So I guess it will be exiting since I will feel the butterflies in my stomach while am drawing it !!!.

Friends , a bless from Allah :)

0 comments
Posted in

Just like any girl in my age I have so many dreams !. Getting my Master with honor , working and having my own family . I am happy and confident that Allah will accept my prayers :).

And I am always thankful I have amazing friends that I always lean on when I need !. I am blessed and always thankful , and I always pray that Allah will make all there dreams come true and will shower their life with faith , happiness and love.

This year , being a way from home I learned a lot . And above all , I learnt how important is friends .How do they make you laugh , and how you learn to share with them every thing . Including happiness and pain . How do you enjoy the un-definite support and joy of them.

Friendship is a bless , every step of the way !. Cherish it in your heart , and enjoy being with your friends every minute of your life . May Allah bless you all , and make all of your dreams come true !

Volatile !

0 comments
Posted in

I don’t know what is with me these days . So many emotions, so many thinking , so many experiences. But although I still feel safe with familiar faces even if I don’t know them. I haven’t cry since a long time , because I hate crying and finding no shoulder to cry on. That’s why I promised my self not to see any thing but happiness and goodness in people. To be honest , I love the crazy life am living in today more than all the years I went through. Yet , I feel something different , I am noticing , am feeling , am breathing it just different. I was used not to sense, now I feel more as a human.
The word” feel “deserves to stop at. I used to smile , laugh but with tears in my heart. I used to feel sad but with no tears in my eyes. I used to try to help out and I always complemented my self to keep on doing the best I can not to feel sad I couldn’t alter the world around me, that at least I made a difference !. Now, I am sensing like I never did , the weather , the smiles, the sad faces , the sad words. Any thing that I notice hits a cord in me like it never used to.
I know am alive today more than ever it’s overwhelming. My heart beats are trying to catch up with the rhythm, no breathing, fast beats that never ends every day from the sunrise to the sunset .I come back to bed feeling tired, replying the amazing moments I had and feeling sad that today has ended.
I have to admit, it’s a huge change, exhausting yet overwhelming. I am enjoying it , although I hate being tired but I just like the chaos am living in ,it so incredible that I was able to give up my territory of organized and planned by ruler life. I am just enjoying it with the fast heart beats, with the million smiles every step on the road to school, with the students coming from school on Fridays, with the kids playing in the park next to where I live ,till the sea behind my room .The city lights in night , the music every where .
I saw this in my dream, and its amazing how much my reality is much more incredible than my dream!.

The Other!!

0 comments
Posted in

I was born in a family were always the parents had the full authority to enforce laws that will organize our life. This came in my opinion from two facts, we are a huge family 10 kids were 6 of them are guys and my father has served in the military for a while. So in order to be able to manage, solid order should be enforced .I do understand that the origins of there problem handling way that to some extent assemble the military style was because they loved and cared about us. And till today am so grateful I been through such life because it opened my eyes on understanding others and appreciating their efforts. As a result from the creepy style they had in raising us I learned to listen , understand and embrace the others. To express my self, emm not so much but I preferred to listen and embrace the ideas. The same story was in school and almost in all of my years in university. This was a culture, that elder and experienced people knew what better for us. Some parents over here ( Middle East) even choose who their son or daughter will marry to. I know they are concerned but where do the part when our voice will be heard come ?. The past couple of months were invaluable to me. I experienced a new way of thinking. To think critically, be able to decide based on facts on which side of the river I will be.
I was more able to understand our human nature that tends to prejudge even on a hunch. I did learn to see from the others eyes, and feel how they feel. Imagine, put my self in their shoes and feel the situation. This kind of thinking is interesting, because we start to question what we received as an inevitable truth. We start to understand what “think” means. We start asking our selves questions that goes on in order to find a suitable answer. And for the first time to expose ourselves to failures and mistakes and unpredictable emotions we been hiding from in a little world we called me. So as much as this was a grace for me that I definitely know it benefits are beyond my imagination. I suddenly realized the other side of it. Those who tend to think they know every thing, and are possessed with the thought that they are right. I learned to accept those people too, because it is a part of our human nature we can’t ignore. And no matter how hard sometimes we try to explain and persuade others that we might have grown enough to decide on our own and face the consequences it is too hard to be able to change their minds.
Eventually I learnt to respect their views, but to be honest when it comes to my dreams am going to decide where is my next destination not them. The thing is their views could be valuable, but when it stands in the way of dreams and achievements, this is when it become worthless.

© Princess of Rain 2010

Dreams!

0 comments
Posted in

I just promised my self that am no longer going to write about sorrow. It is me who determines my future. Not the tears of the people I love who thinks they know what best for me. Or even the resistance from almost every one in the world. All I know is one truth. “Dreams doesn’t choose us, we choose them”. And as long as we are living , dreams are the engine that keep us moving toward more unpredictable and promising achievements.
Sometimes, we find out how lucky and gifted we are. Just considering what I been through, and how I were able to learn from it and grow makes me so grateful. Troubles are just a part of life, just as laughs and tears. When I think back of obstacles I overcame moments where I was so mad at my life. I found out that the only way to let go was to forgive, and sometimes forget. One of the lessons I learnt was that we need to remember that we are not living in this life forever. We will have a life afterwards that will be based on our deeds in this life we are living in now.
There are times when I wondered or even tried to imagine how I would react if I was born in a different situation, like a country in war or even in an environment full of drugs and troubles. That is when I always realize how much fortunate I am just to have the life I lived in. Teachers in school that been and always are a great inspiration for me when I had trouble in home. People out there who believed in me , when I lost believing in my self. People who helped me understand that this life is full of goodness as badness, so we need to celebrate the goodness and stay away from the badness. Because one day Allah will reward us on our deeds. I won’t be able to count all the people I met or knew that had a touch on my life. But I am grateful, and I will always try to remember what they did, and also to inspire young generations like me to be strong and to know how to leave their finger prints in a better world they will create.

© Princess of Rain 2010

The window

0 comments
Posted in

She was setting in front of the window holding her knees to her chest swinging her body forward and backward .Sun beams where covering here face reflecting the sadness in her eyes. And as usual she was staring at the view outside the walls where she lived .I know she is not noticing any kind of movement .She doesn't see the cars because she is drowned in her own world .She said " Things are getting worse, people are focusing on talks, and hidden hates that never end .They doesn't give a care for how you feel ,or what you are hoping for .If you say no for something this means that you are loosing chances .You have to hope for the best ,that what I kept telling all the time .Why should we accept any thing while we can get the best ??. What will make us better .And can we get that?? .I always believed we can" she said .Voices in her head kept telling her that she was right .That what she had wasn't a matter of chance or good luck it was simply a hard work .Yet she never seemed to be able to convince them that she deserve what she got .She relied on there facts and she believed all what they were telling her .She thought she was stupid, ugly and unreliable and the list of propaganda goes on .The sparks in her eyes has disappeared and a hate has occupied the only place left there in her heart.She looked around, nothing was there but emptiness .When she hears the yelling, this hits a cord in her just as laughing does. Just as all what we feel does !. "Why I have to live in loneliness?" she asked. Being bonded to someone makes us weak but getting used to feeling lonely seems to be perfect. When you stay alone for a while you get strong because you convince your self that no one is there . Strong that is when you feel no need to cry, you find that tears are gone! .Gone for good, as it means pain and weakness. Crying is a drug, makes you forget how things should go, what you are there for and what has happened. Just like laughing that erases all the sadness moments and makes the world glamorous as it never was. Even like music, that takes you away to another world where you become the star and all the people point at you! She answered. She said "Why do they feel that I have to be grateful for a years of misery they gave me?. What kind of sense does it make, telling you that the pain you have been through is what made you an artist ? and if we haven't shattered your dream you wont be here today!. Yes it does pain can makes us extraordinary artists , but it takes away all the innocent dreams, wishes and hopes of a bright day . One day to be different .Only one day !"As a result every brush strike release pain for others to feel. When you become strong, you keep on smiling not because you are happy, but because you don't want people to know that your heart is crying inside. Sounds of the tears rivers running inside is so huge .Too hard to control, it distribute the pain through every vein all over your body .You would hear the heart beating through your head ,but you will keep on listening to loud music to lose its track .You know by time ,you are loosing your hearing .And the sight start to get more weak where the perfect picture start to look pale .Yet the boundaries of the picture starts to appear ,they tell you we made that voice in you and we made that good life you are living in we made the dream you achieved .Yet all what they made was voices in my head that never let me sleep.
Her face was flushed she looked like a one that was crying the whole night .But nothing changes the fact that there is no one to hold her hand . Not to warm her but to put off that fire that has been there in her heart for years .
How hard is it to feel so sad, so angry and you end up telling your story to the books?!. No kids neither nation has to feel this . No one , is so owned and controlled . We are all free .We have to let it go but how ??! ..She looked straight at the sky and she saw a light. Her body become so numb and for the first time she felt happy . She couldn't let it go ,but she was seeing that every thing started to melt .The picture ,them who made her cry ,the voices ,the fire inside .For a second the sound of the rivers has disappeared and the heart beating in her head was gone .The music has faded slowly and there was nothing but a taste of an everlasting joy .She knew that one day she will feel that feeling she have been waiting for it to let it go. So quite .The window has just disappeared !.
© Princess of Rain

The Mirror

2 comments
Posted in

How many times you looked in the mirror and you asked your self who the hell is this person? .Sometimes pretty, starting a new day with a bright happy smile. Birds singing around and butterflies dancing between roses .
Others, you start asking your self what so wrong with this mirror?.Maybe I forgot to turn on the light. Or may be its me am not looking good today .Maybe depressed cause the whole world is against me .But why this is happening to me all the time?.Is it the mirror?.
I couldn't figure out the reason except later on .The mirror is just hanged on the wall to show how we appear from outside .It never show how we feel ,but feelings comes out on our face and the whole body .When we are sad we feel that a storm has just hit us taking every precious thing we had ,stealing even the smile. On the other hand ,when we are happy ,we feel we are some where else .Walking in air without any roads . Candles are floating and lightening our steps to dreamlands. So unreal but it’s the most incredible feeling we experience.
I realized I shouldn't blame the mirror cause it does it job .And at the same time I started to ask my self what's so wrong with me?. What keeps me sad or makes me ignore the world news, people and sometime ignoring what I hope or love . It's the human nature with all the mysterious feelings and thoughts.
One day can turn us upside down, anther one can bring up all the tears we where hiding all the time, all the feelings we were trying to avoid for years.What I know the most that I have lots of questions and I don't know the answer for them .I have been trying for years to ask and learn .Some knew and answer these questions and they put off the fire that was inside of me and many doesn't. I learnt that I have to do it my self and find it and never blame any one , that the right way .Asking is a part of the learning process but also we have to find out some suff by our selves so we will never forget it .

Smile into the mirror and happiness will be reflected at you !

Happy 2009 !

0 comments
Posted in

This is my first post for 2009..2008 is gone and I have anther new year to plan for ..most of my plans were achieved and it has been a rewarding year !!!

2009: Gloomy or Glittering?

This is a question of choice, not destiny: Now, more than ever, we need to seek out and create that glitter and sparkle for ourselves. We need to make plans and resolutions that inspire and motivate us. We need to polish the skills that will help us shine in today's environment. And we need to create opportunities for ourselves, whenever that's possible. In short, let's reject the idea of inevitable gloom this year, and seek a glittering 2009 for ourselves instead!

No more focusing on yesterday because its gone ..Just look a head and see the beautiful world waiting for you !..

I have set my plans for this year and Inshallah I will accomplish them by the help of Allah

Am sorry !! but am sad

0 comments
Posted in

Oh Allah I can't cry ..Am feeling so tired and weak and yet I have no tears ..my soul is lost in a world of sorrow and pain .. I can't scream ..my voice is choked in me ! .. I can't move on because every thing hurts !! ..Even the look at my face in the mirror early mornings .. Every thing is like a thorn hurting my soul ...even me!

So tiered apart !

0 comments
Posted in

So tiered apart that’s how I feel .Lost between a world of dreams I want to achieve and a world of reality that is really harsh and cruel and even worse no one is there for you ! .Being an invisible that how you become .After a certain period of time you find your self changing to satisfy others .Giving up who you really are just for the sake of having someone there for you!. Its like trading!!!. selling who you really are to get the life you want .Yet at that time wouldn't the picture become imperfect ?. You wont be the same and so is every thing around you !!.

Happy Eid

0 comments
Posted in

Dear All,

It's Eid Alfeter in here ,Its the first Eid that we all as a family spend it together since few years .Usually my sisters used to be working .Which is such a shame for the place they are working for .One weird thing about us that we all have holidays for chrismas even thought we are muslims but when it comes to muslims working in other countries the take it out from there vacations .Bizarre systems I guess but am thankful for Allah that we had this holiday .I had some abstacles but its all fine now happy again !

African Smile

0 comments
Posted in

I want to start by thanking Allah on all of his graces on me .I am so thankful for who I am ,for what I did and his blessing for me through out my life. Lately, I was so self centered ,I was a bit sensitive ,feeling so unfair as usual and that the whole world hates me .And whenever I start remembering how many things I hadn't, that people had I become more sad. Looking at the world through a black glasses, not seeing all the brightness and glimmer that allah gave to us .
I felt how selfish I was when I saw people dying in my country and I had no way to help them ,I couldn't do any thing for them .My people ,the people that filled my world with morals ,dreams and hopes. Every kid over there is hoping to get better education that am getting here and am still not satisfied .I promised my self, that I will go back teach every one in my country, give them the hope to pursuit for happiness not only in life but also after death. I promise that am going to remind my self every time. whenever I used to get upset ,cry ,be frustrated I remember that am not here to cry or relax .I have a mission of generations to create ,a mission of a country to build .A mission that I wont give up except when its done.
I promise if am going to be alive that I will bring the smile back by the help of allah to kids in my country.
There wont be thinking of helping families instead of playing any more .I will bring back the stolen childhood from them. No more thinking of how tomorrow will be !.
Allah please help me to get there ,and keep thanking you for all of your graces .Allah please make my heart full with faith and Eman so I will pursue for my goals and I will get you satisfaction now and life after death.

My country ,people I missed you so much I know am late and am trying to race the time to be there ..forgive me for being late !

كيف ستشعر ؟؟؟

1 comments
Posted in

كيف ستشعر؟ ..
حين تحس بانك قطعت الاف الاميال
لانهم قالو من جد وجد ..ولكن الواقع يقول من جد سقط
كيف ستشعر ..
اي عطش ذاك العطش
وفوجئت بماء البحر امامك ..
ماذا ستفعل ؟..ماء البحر لن يروي ضمأك ..هل سيزيد ألمك؟؟؟؟

الليلة كنت امشي بين اروقة صفوف محاضراتي ..
الاضواء تنعكس على زجاج النوافذ ..تعمي العيون..
مبنى جميل و حديقة جميلة لكنني ارى غير ذالك..
كل شيء في نظري مزيف..
خيالي..
غير واقعي..
كيف ستشعر؟؟
حين تحمل اثقال الكتب سنوات طوال ..
حتى ينحني ظهرك..
وتحب الورق والقلم اكثر من نفسك..
إلى أن تفقد الاحساس بمن حولك ..
على امل ان تصل ..
ولكنك تكتشف انك لن تصل..
لانهم لا يريدون ذالك ..

حينها تحس بان احلامك تتسرب من بين يديك..
كما تتسرب قطرات المياه..
كيف ستحس؟؟
حين تكون في قمة التعب..
وقمة الارهاق..
وقمة الحزن ..
ولازالت اصوات احلامك تناديك كل ليلة..
تجعلك تجافي النوم..
وتعلن عليه الحرب في كل يوم جديد..
وتستمر الاصوات ..
وتستمر بالاجتهاد..
ولا شي يتغير ..
تحلم بان الغد اجمل..
وان الحلم قريب ..
وان الامل موجود..
وان الحزن سيزول..
وانك ستصل .وان ..وان..
ولكنك تفاجىء بان كل ثانية هي كما هي..
وان كل ساعة هي كما هي ..
وانهم هم ..
وانك انت ..
وان اليوم هو ذاته الامس..
وان العالم كما هو ..
حينها تدرك انك كنت تدور في حلقة مفرغة..
لا يوجد فيها طريق الا طريق واحد ..
طريق اليأس

I am fine !

6 comments
Posted in

I am fine ..am fine

a sentence I kept singing all the time..

my soul am fine ..

a lie I kept telling every sunshine ..

but..am not fine

I know am not fine ..

its feels like am carrying a world on my shoulders..

a world of sorrow and pain ..

kept saying no more crying around..

but ..I can't cry any more..

kept saying wait for tommorow cause its gana be fine..

but ..it was worst than what I imagined..

kept sleeping and dreaming ..

that the prince will come ..

and that all the tears would be gone ..

but there were no prince..no happiness ..

and my tears has just dried ..

Kept saying tommorow..

I will get there where I belong..

but I lost even my way back home..

Kept singing no matter I felt the pain..

so birds wouldn't stop singing along ..

but I had to stop ..

and all the birds were died..

kept hoping and wishing to live ..

but all what I got was a pencil and a pen..

Me !

2 comments
Posted in

Give me a word or a white area where I can be me ..

Give me a space where I can dance alone with no tears or pain. ..

Give me a piano so I can sing along with birds and trees..

Give me a pen so I can write my poems on papers and leafs..

Give me a shoulder where I can lean on when I need to lean. ..

Give me a place where I can breathe the freedom air under the rain. ..

Give me a sea where I can throw the sadness and all the pain . ..

Give me a hope so I can live one more day . ..

Give me the stars so I wouldn't look for them every single night. ..

Give me my lost me, cause since I was lost I can't find the away back to life..

No one is there to give me any thing ..

That’s why I give my lost dreams to whom who need...

Born to be a star****

7 comments
Posted in

Some born knowing what do they want .Others doesn't know they just move on .

I knew what I want since I was a kid .My dream of being a Dr teaching what I know to students and doing my best not only to make them learn but also to create generations of morals and believes .

Generation that will have a dream of changing the world as I did .I realized that if I

want to change the world the best way will be of creating those generations. I was upset and still I am feeling so much pain that I am here till now and I haven't done some thing not for family nor for study .

It was a dream of life that I have been saying all the time .A dream that every one knew and make fun on it no one tried to give me a hand to do it .I was so upset lately cause this dream don't make me fall a sleep at night I keep thinking of it all the time .And sometimes I feel that I will not be able to do it .

Just because I have too many duties to be done too many that I can't tolerate it and it makes me wish that I lived far away from all of this world .Far away even from my self .Hiding to get one good night sleep !.

Is it pain what I am feeling in me?.Is it fear from tomorrow .Or am I blaming my self for all what is happening on earth .My head is about to explode and am feeling tired like a person who was running after illusions for a life time thinking that its an oasis .Even the pain. Have you ever saw someone used to it?.

That's me! I can't stop feeling it and I don't feel it as something that hurts .Its just like a mesquite that is annoying me from time to time not more or less. But sometimes I just wish if I can live a normal life just like all the girls in my age ,to have the same as there habits and favorites listen to music not feeling that I am thirty years old with hopeless life .

I used to feel sometimes that I have to slow down a little bit .Others I feel I have to run really fast like a rocket to catch up with the people .So fluctuating the way my life became .I feel that I lost a huge part of me between papers and pens trying to prove that I am smart not knowing that I don't need that .

But why I do listen to them ? and why I feel low self steam. I have been studying for 4 years and I end up feeling that am not smart in my major or may be that what people make me look like I am not good at any thing.Sometimes I wonder how I can just put on a smile and move on while I want to cry badly just because I was hurt .I guess its stupid when people say live your best life to tease your enemies .Seriously I can't live my life and I am feeling that I am drowned to somewhere else. I just wish now if I can travel far away .Far enough that I can build up my life feeling that I achieved something .Feeling that I made a difference not in my days but in people days.

A day of pain

1 comments
Posted in

Today and for few weeks I've been worried for my training and every one was saying don't get worried you are an A student and easily you can find a place .I tried to be optimistic as much I can by the help of my family and friends .They were all trying to decrease the amount of pressure am facing in taking the choice of where to work and I was happy to have such a family and friends like that .But the reality shock came in the day of the seminar .I really felt the pain of being different when they said that where I wanted to be trained in is only for locals !.So whats the use of the A I got ?.Should I hang it on the wall ???.I felt that I might get better apportuinities but I guess I have been dreaming for a very long time !.And I just wakeup knowing that I have to search again .To find the best,I will try my best !.I used to hear a say always aim to the moon because if you miss it you will fall between the stars.
And that's my aim !

Life full of surprises

2 comments
Posted in

Sometimes we wait for something to happen .Something to turn our life up side down ,change us deepest inside our soul. Some look for that ,others just set and wait and I never knew what has to be done !.
Finding ideal world were all people love each other ,respect and be nice .It's a dream ! I guess but deep inside me I belief there might be out some where . There is what we wished for every night ,every thing we dreamt of ,where fairy tales come true .Should I search ?I don't know but am trying to have the best life I can .I do believe in fairytales stories even in they are stupid I do and I'll never be able to change!.
In Some moments I get so sad, angry feeling that every thing is unfair ,every thing going against me .I never knew wither it was just a feeling or something that's happening to me .Why am not able to cry ?.I figured out lately that I promised my self when I was kid not to cry ,to keep my head high so the uncontrolled tears drops wouldn't fall on my face! when ever I feel sad I wouldn't cry till I learnt not to by practice .That's what teachers says practice, but I never knew that it will be true.
Now I miss the old me ,that cries when she is sad ,laugh when happy and never be ashamed of a drop of tear that can take a tiny part of the sorrow from her heart .

My worst fears!

3 comments
Posted in

I always used to be afraid of something .Every one on earth is afraid of something .And I was trying to figure out what is it .Darkness ,bad people and problems all of these never scared me .I was only scared of one thing .How I will do ? and will I be the best ?.We leave it to allah .we say this on our culture and many other say it too .Now I realized that’s what used to scares me the most is the fact that there is something coming I have no idea about it .A dream might come true or a nightmare .That's why I keep saying we have to be optimistic. And I learnt that you have to be prepared for every thing the worst and the best and you have to plan your life as much as you can .Draw a way straight to your goals and achieve them no matter what

A world of beautiful tommorows

0 comments
Posted in

Today I was saying to my sister I have tons of ideas that If they become true it will change the world.And I told her that I wasn't able to sleep so she said write them down and study and do it ! .Its sounds easy for me .I know it needs financial support but I don't care I know I will reach my dreams no matter what happens.We will make a world of beautiful tommorows Alhamdulellah on every thing !

Followers

Princess of Rain